Harsh, but I think it's true

I didn't go to work today so that I could take care of Yoda, who is ill. I am very bored and have been stumbling into numerous blogs and websites through random google searches. As bored as I am, I am grateful that I am not some of the people I have come across on the web. There are some individuals that are painfully uninteresting. So much so, that it has given me the mental equivalent of gas pain. Strangely, these useless creatures seem to subconsciously understand that they are stunningly banal and try to fool others with an irrational and excessive use of exclamation marks*. Example: "The best part of my meal was the milkshake. Not only did it taste good, but they brought it to the table in the metal mixing cup! " Does this champ scream this sentence in his head when he edits his review? There is nothing that warrants an exclamation point in this excerpt, unless one finds air 'surprising'. And no, this was not written by an eight year old. I would much rather be forced to live on an island populated solely by caged parrots for the rest of my life than have to sit and endure a milkshake with this nerd. At least parrots have a gimmick and even if they just repeated "table" for 20 years, I imagine they would be better conversationalists than Milkshake Boy. As a human, MB should contribute more to the world than his brilliant ruminations on diners. If he cannot, he is below a parrot in the intellectual food-chain.

Why, you ask, do I pay him so much attention? I have no clue. I suspect his profound dullness is paradoxically fascinating. I find the image of him coming home, full and bloated, sitting at his computer, trying to remember his forgettable meal at "Jimmy's Diner" and then sharing his irrelevant experience with the world to be sensational. Does he have a huge ego and think that anyone cares, or is he really lonely and/or practicing his typing skills? Sometimes I think that Earth needs a bouncer. But then I wouldn't have MB to laugh at, would I?

* according to several grammar resources, an exclamation mark should only be used to emphasize, express surprise or issue a command