Maudlin

I know I've been blogging about the Boyf a lot recently and I do feel weird about it... kind of like a 13 year old girl that is obsessed with New Kids On The Block. I apologize, but he's very much on my mind right now.

There are moments- such as this one - when I love the Boyf so much that I feel like jumping out of my skin and ingesting him whole. I feel such an intense love for him that I almost want to beat him- in an 'overwhelmed-with-affection' kind of way. Then, I get all melodramatic and wish that I had never met him in order to spare my emotions the tumult of caring about someone. At these times, I find it difficult to understand how one could ever be satisfied with another person... It may seem hyperbolic, but when this feeling sets in, the fucker becomes a kind of infinite "thing" that I want to posses. That sounds so gross but it's the only way I can explain it. By the way, when I say that I wish I could ingest him, I actually picture myself opening my mouth and swallowing his entire body... I'm not joking.

As I generally like to project an aura of aloofness and emotional control, this feeling is as unsettling as it is satisfying. Add to that a healthy pessimistic streak and the requisite insecurities, and we have a veritable orgy of internal neuroses. The Boyf is oblivious to all this, though, thanks to my aforementioned aloofness... I could be in the midst of a psychological rape and still appear to be casually planning a dinner party. This facade does have its limits... last night, I inadvertently upset him and he became all awkward and flustered. Seeing him like that completely broke my heart. So I shot him.

When I woke up this morning, I ordered him some flowers. How gay! As far as I can tell, there are no other ways to convey the feeling of love without resorting to cliché. True to form, I did ensure that the card would compensate for the cheese... It reads "I love you like a desert mystery", which is what I genuinely thought the lyrics to 'Missing' by Everything But The Girl were (they are actually "I miss you like the deserts miss the rain").

Aside: there's a dumb song that I heard in Greece and totally love... I downloaded it last night for the Boyf and I thought he was going to barf andassassinatee me. The song is totally horrendous, but the main reason for his upset is that the girl sings "my neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack". Bravo.

Anyhow, we once had a conversation about this sappy yet good "love" feeling and decided that we wished we could absorb each other's souls, have our souls sweat out of our pores and create an eco-system of our own. How transcendently corny yet beautiful, non? Oh my God, I am 100% feta. And I love it. Sort of. Mostly, I love me and he is irrelevant in that relationship, so in essence, he is an accessory... like a bracelet or a cowboy hat. A nice accessory, granted, but it's not like he's oxygen. The Boyf = emotional prop? Perhaps. I love him.

I need to shut up. Thank you for indulging me, my loves.