Office-mates

I'm generally a social person, but for some reason, I have not warmed up to the fellow tenants in our office building. After 7 years, I have barely spoken to any of them, although they have become the cast in an imaginary play I am producing in my head. I see them every day and have developed a strange yet mute relationship with them that is totally one-sided.

While they are usually just forgettable, there are a couple of these people that stand out. They randomly appear every time I step out of our office, like some hideous Jack-In-The-Box. It's bizarre... they will literally surround me, Yiaourti and Kaseri whenever we go out for a smoke... but they never speak. Here are some of the crew (you've already met Waterloo):

• RAT - This woman looks like a devious, lesbian rodent, especially when she wears her toque. She just stands there, creepily staring... very eerie.
• STAIR-MASTER - This chick spends her entire day going up and down the stairs. I don't think she even works here. Her face has a constant pained look, as if she's about to burst into tears. I have to restrain myself from pushing her.
• ARTISTIC PRIDE PARADE - This fellow is all teeth and thick-framed glasses. He looks like a three meter tall pine needle. But a very gay one. His lisp is so intense that it breaks glass. Once, he walked by me and mumbled "that'sssssssss sssssssssso crazzzzzzzzy" and I thought I was going to faint.
  
• PODI - This means foot in Greek and refers to our friend's obsession with sandals. I have seen his feet at least 46,000 times. In reality, I would do him in an instant, but he's still annoying. He LOVES cars and motorcycles and I think he has 145 of each. Once, he was showing off his "Harley" to a co-worker and said : "You never touch another guy's bike... It's like a woman". In his favour, he is husky and has a couple of tats, so I don't mind looking at him as long as he doesn't speak.
• MOROSE HAT - Totally stuck in '94. He's always brooding, as if Kurt Cobain's spirit moved in to his body. He seems like he is simmering with violence and is unbelievably pale... generally, a storm-cloud on legs.
• SOPHIA LOWRENT - This one acts like a rejected member of Monaco's royal family. I don't think that she knows where she is.
• SAD PERSIAN - He is a cook at the restaurant downstairs. His secret ingredient is tears. He is strangely endearing, like a donkey or a koala bear.